The Drunknerd is Sick of Saving Princesses

Nitendo’s two most famous damsels in distress are also the two biggest gaming pains in the arse. Every gamer has wasted countless hours rescuing Princess Peach from the cold, Jurassic claws of Bowser and every gamer has spent days upon days solving puzzle after puzzle to bring Princess Zelda back to Hyrule in one piece.

Between the two of them I’m not quite sure which one is worse. Princess Peach, princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, is always telling the same old story. She wakes up, she gets captured by Bowser and his Koopa Troopas, and then calls upon two Italian plumbers to collaborate her rescue. Quite frankly, I never understood who would call up a plumber for a foreign affairs/kidnapping problem, but I’m also no princess.

Rescuing Princess Peach is always the same old song and dance. Trekking through the Mushroom Kingdom finding mushrooms, flowers, and stars only to pull a  B&E (breaking and entering) on Bowser’s Castle. Granted you receive some aid along the way from Mario’s brother Luigi, Peach’s loyal friend (and servant) Toad, and a dinosaur called, Yoshi. But, I’ve got to say it’s always a bit suspicious that Peach is always getting captured by the same guy. I mean you’d think the Princess would establish a means of defense for her precious Mushroom Kingdom. Perhaps, build a Maginot Line of sorts; at least slow this Bowser guy down a bit for heaven’s sake! Then again, maybe Princess Peach wants to be captured.

Every time you rescue her from Bowser’s castle she doesn’t seem too distraught from the kidnapping. Then after all your hard work you receive an elementary kiss on the cheek as a token of her appreciation. If ya ask me I’d say Mario is getting the short end of the stick here. As the resident love interest seems like Bowser is getting a lot more one-on-one time with the bachelorette then our favorite plumber.


On the other hand we have Princess Zelda, princess of Hyrule, who like Peach always seems to find herself in need of rescuing. Unlike, Peach, Zelda doesn’t always get captured by the same antagonist. Instead she switches it up every once in a while, you know, to keep her hero, Link guessing (keeps things interesting that way).

Not having to face the same opponent seems like a nice change of pace, but don’t let Zelda fool you. Just like Peach she relishes in redundancy. She may get captured by an ever-changing enemy or disappear for some mysterious reason, but one thing remains the same – she always calls Link, an adolescent, to her rescue. Normally waking the poor guy up only to tell him he HAS to embark on an epic quest filled with danger to save her and her kingdom.

I’ll tell ya these princesses sure do ask a lot, don’t they?

Other than waking you up for a good dream, Zelda isn’t so bad.  After all, she does tend to help you out during your missions. And she tends to use her mystical powers to help you along the way – she even once disguised herself to assist you along your quest (Sheik in Orcania of Time), so she’s not all bad.

Although, with Peach you’ll always know where to find her: Bowser’s Castle. Zelda on the other hand is always moving. You’ll defeat one adversary, see your precious Zelda, then BAM she’s gone; teleported to another dimension or dungeon leaving you a gift basket filled with more puzzles and riddles to solve only to see her vanish before your eyes yet again.

So, who really is more of a pain to rescue? Peach with her attention-hungry accidental kidnappings or Zelda with her always in the wrong-place wrong-time shenanigans? Come to think of it forget em both. Anyone still have Laura Croft’s number?



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Neil Strebig

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