The Internet Is A Crazy Place
I think we can all agree on that. Whether you’re trolling the depths of 4Chan, perusing questionable Tumblr blogs or trying to find the least virus-laden NSFW sites, there are parts of the web that we may not want to admit are there, but they are. Among the 18+ ocean that is comprised of Google searches that not many are quite proud of, fanfiction is pulled up for quite a bit of it. The written word partner to fan art, fanfiction is a scribed work orchestrated by a fan of whatever show, movie, comic, anime, game, etc and its characters that displays a portion of the authors “what ifs”. Alternate universes, timeline skips or rewinds, even character deaths or resurrections can occur in these stories.
Arguably the most popular type of fanfiction (or fanfic for short) is the romantic sort. Whether they be full-fledged love stories or simply the infamous “porn without plot” scenario, every fanfiction or written work site harbors countless titles in this genre. Among them, an infinite amount of possible pairings have arisen. Some are considered canon where they are legitimate as per the creators. Others aren’t true to story but do make sense. Then there are those labeled as “crack pairings” that don’t make sense but are at least super attractive to think about. Lastly, there’s the, well, downright ridiculous ones that make you scratch your head. A lot.
As a writer and reader of fanfiction myself, I decided to comb through one of my favorite sites, Archive of Our Own, and see what I could scrounge up to include on a list of crazy, “way outta left field” pairings that people have created from the annals of their minds, whether they be logical, illogical, to be taken more seriously or completely parody. Or, ya know, just taking two attractive AF people and having them frickle frackle.
Here Come The Couples
Chrom/Snake – Oh…Oh My
Ok, so I’m sure there are plenty of people who find the thought of this one attractive if these two met and both were either on the cartoony side or on the realistic end of the design spectrum. (Or for those Who Framed Roger Rabbit Fans who think the mix of cartoon and more real looks could be hot, whatever floats your boat!) I mean….it could be pretty attractive. Maybe it starts with a fight…for dominance…yes…
Alfred Pennyworth/Missouri Moseley – Supernatural Butler
Now I’ve been out of the Supernatural game for some time, but when I saw my fav Batcave butler (Nolan movie version by the way) come up on my crack pairing search along with a character from Dean and Sam’s adventures that I didn’t recognize, I needed to note it. During my searches, I found mentions of Missouri threatening to hit someone with a spoon if they put their foot on her coffee table. Probably Dean if I had to guess. It’s also probably that mentality that got someone thinking she was perfect for Alfred.
Markiplier/JackSepticEye – The Pink Mustache and the Green Eye
Ok, I get this one. I do–I really do. I don’t even think it’s ridiculous, per se. Two attractive YouTubers who are hysterical together as well as separately, total bros who like to hang out when they can, are an ocean and then some apart and like to hit on each other from time to time in good fun. This is the equation to get some fanfiction written about you. Usually tagged as “Septiplier”, Markimoo and Jackaboy have a hell of a following in the fan fiction circuit as well as the streaming community. So…have I read some of it for the sake of this article? Yes. Did I read some before writing this article? …Maybe.
Clay Morrow/Cookie Monster – Sons of Sesame Street
Ok, so, for this one, I had to actually look up who Clay was because I wasn’t familiar with him. However, I do know who Cookie Monster is, as I grew up in America and Sesame Street was my jam between the ages of “just escaped momma jail” to “Mighty Morphin’ Time”. Seeing the familiar name of the cookie-noshing puppet made me stop dead in my scrolling tracks. So who is it that was thrown in with the blue fuzz? A Sons of Anarchy character. I want to know how much this person smoked to come up with this and what kind of trip it was because….wtf?
Renesmee Cullen/Ginny Weasley – Potter Meets Twilight
I can already hear the crowd losing their minds over this one since anything that pops up Twilight can go one of two ways; pure fangirl/boy excitement or unadulterated hatred. Either way, this one made me arch an eyebrow. I’d also like to mention that the same story has six other fandoms in it. SIX. I’m not sure whether to be frightened or impressed.
I’ll just go with a drunken concoction of the two.
Alexander Hamilton/George Washington – That’s How You Serve Your Country
As someone who knows nothing about Hamilton and recognizes the names from, you know, history class, this one I had to include. No matter how you slice it though, it’s still two founding fathers doing the do, and that very much earned a spot on this list. I tried to find a bit about Lincoln, but all that kept coming up was Abraham Lincoln-Vampire Hunter which I just couldn’t quite count here.
On-the-fly edit: I did find John Wilkes Booth/Marilyn Monroe….which is probably better than most things I could find for Lincoln.
Shrek/Albus Dumbledore – I…Just…WHAT?
This is the moment where Albus is trying to decide whether to slam the doors in fear and disgust…or invite the creature in. I feel kinda dirty writing that now…ugh.
I don’t even know where to begin on this one…every time I try my fingers get flustered and my eyes instinctively roll so I can no longer see whatever I’m about to type.
Jesus Christ/Judas Iscariot – Kiss of Death
On a whim, I decided to throw Jesus Christ into the search bar on AO3 because I’m apparently a masochist. I was not disappointed. Sure I have a few instances of Walking Dead, but for the most part, the “fandom” choice is “Christian Bible”. And as could be expected, the first one I find is Jesus and Judas. As a pairing. I mean, no love story could possibly be more tragic if that’s the direction people want to take on it…but wow. At 1649 search results, it seems that JC has a special little group among his followers that want to imagine him having a love all his own. In Judas. Like ya do.
Bumblebee/Wheeljack – Transformers ROLL OUT
This one makes it on the list because frankly any pairing that involves two huge car/robot hybrids crashing together over and over again in a gnarly literal metal version of Daisy Does Dallas deserves to be here. More than likely after reading one of these, you’ll never hear screeching tires and honking horns the same again.
Trump/Oompaloompa – Time To Close the Internet
That’s right. This is a thing. Someone actually wrote this. Even questioned themselves in their own tags as to why. And you know what? I love them for it. Because this is freaking ridiculous and made my work day so much better. Combine this one with the tons of Trump/Putin stories popping up, and AO3 becomes a cornucopia of Trump-centric parody delights.
What S*** Have You Seen?
Of course this isn’t even the very tip of the fanfiction iceberg and the craziness that it and the imagination of countless anonymous writers has to offer for your reading pleasure. All of the wonderful, imaginative couples I’ve presented are just from a short tromp of my own through the archives. So if you’ve navigated yourself through the syllabic jungle and discovered a few pairings that have made your eyebrows arch and mouth fall agape, leave a comment! We’d love to see what kind of hilarity and ridiculousness you’ve all come across too!