Editorials

The Drunken Nerd Examines the World’s Lamest Superpowers

We all love Superheroes. All of us fans fall in love with them for one reason or another; typically we’re drawn to their origin or, more importantly, the origin of their superpower. However, the other night some friends and I had the discussion about some of the worst superpowers to have. Naturally, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a little list here of some superheroes I believe to have the most useless, pointless superpowers in the comic universe.

APACHE CHIEF (DC)

 

Talk about a useless power. Apache Chief has the ability to grow to unimaginable portions by shouting the magical Native American phrase, Inukchuck. In what point in time is that ever a good power to have? Rescuing lost cats out of over grown oak trees? I’m not quite sure, but I do know if you have Apache Chief over for a holiday party make sure no one dares him to share his superpower, otherwise you’ll be looking for a new roof.

TOAD (MARVEL)

 

Toad’s mutant power is the ability to leap. I’m not kidding. His only natural mutant power is to leap great distances (his poison glands/razor tongue were gifts from a Dr. Strange experiment). Not only does he look like a creeper, but he more than likely will creep you out when he leaps over you in the checkout line on Black Friday.

PLASTIC MAN (DC)

 

Plastic man is a bit of a cult-favorite for his wise-cracking personality, but realistically the ability to turn yourself into any shape is a tad outlandish.  I could never really see Plastic Man as a superhero because he’d always be stretching into what resembled a piece of Laffy-Taffy or changing into the shape of a chair (which always resembled the makings of his suit) to catch a villain. Having such a super power seems like a bore especially when you’re rubbing arms with Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all of whom could turn you into a plastic pretzel.

WHIRLDWIND (MARVEL)

 

David Cannon is immune to dizziness. Realizing at an early age there’s no professional dizzy bat league, he turned to a life of crime where he’d routinely spin circles around the Avengers before he’d rotate all the way back to his jail cell. Despite the ability to create a mini-tornado around himself, I’ve always felt that Whirlwind is one the least-terrifying villains in the Marvel Universe.

AQUAMAN (DC)

 

It kills me a bit to put the Prince of Atlantis on this list, but in reality outside of the ocean Aquaman’s powers are useless. He’s literally a fish out of water flapping around trying to hang with the rest of the land-dwelling Justice League heroes.

CALENDAR MAN (DC)

 

Julian Day has no actual superpower, but just a really strange hobby. Day’s obsession with the calendar and unique dates doesn’t make him a menace, but a rude nuisance instead. He is constantly ruining the Holidays for superheroes (especially Batman). Instead, of celebrating a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas, you’d have to re-arrange your schedule because you better believe the Calendar Man has some pain-in-the-rear plot that is sure to put a spoil on your holiday cheer.

LUKE CAGE (MARVEL)

 

Luke Cage never really struck me as a superhero, but rather a super-powered Pootie-Tang. Cage has bulletproof skin, but after that the only unique characteristic Cage has is a razor-sharp belt he uses as a whip, just like Pootie-Tang.

MARROW (MARVEL)

 

Marrow has an extremely durable bone structure, but her bones grow at an excessively rapid and unpredictable rates making her face/body look deformed at times. Normally, superpowers are intended to aid you, but in Marrow’s case it is an extremely painful medical condition. Her superpower is having a case of arthritis on steroids, not exactly a thrilling tale there.

TOMBSTONE (MARVEL)

 

A Spider-Man villain, who happens to be an Albino with extremely thick, bulletproof skin, really?

CAPTAIN COLD (DC)

 

The Flash’s arch-nemesis, always struck me as a grumpy old man. With no superpowers, just a stolen ice-beam gun, Capt. Cold, terrorizes everyday citizens with his blue parka and icy-stare. I’ll never understand how The Flash didn’t just put him in a nursing home instead of jail. The poor guy looks more like a senile grandfather then a super-villain.

 

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About the author

Neil Strebig

4 Comments

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  • You forgot Aztec…that openly racist Latin American hero they added to one of the later versions of the Superfriends. There were three that they just made up to quell racial tension…Apache Chief, Samurai and Aztec…all were equally lame and totally worthless as far as superheroes go. I would have chosen the Wonder Twins before any of those losers.

    • My bad…it was El Dorado…not Aztec. There was also Black Vulcan…who I thought was pretty cool and I guess evolved from Black Lightening because of licensing purposes.

  • I do believe that you forgot to mention The Blob. Last time I checked being obese isn’t cool. I mean he may be able to absorb bullets with all that fat tissue but the heart attack may kill him first. One word, LAME.

    • Blob also had super strength, endurance and agility and could generate a gravity field. The last is kind of interesting. Only three people were ever able to move him without cheating.

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