We all love Superheroes. All of us fans fall in love with them for one reason or another; typically we’re drawn to their origin or, more importantly, the origin of their superpower. However, the other night some friends and I had the discussion about some of the worst superpowers to have. Naturally, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a little list here of some superheroes I believe to have the most useless, pointless superpowers in the comic universe.
APACHE CHIEF (DC)
Talk about a useless power. Apache Chief has the ability to grow to unimaginable portions by shouting the magical Native American phrase, Inukchuck. In what point in time is that ever a good power to have? Rescuing lost cats out of over grown oak trees? I’m not quite sure, but I do know if you have Apache Chief over for a holiday party make sure no one dares him to share his superpower, otherwise you’ll be looking for a new roof.
Toad’s mutant power is the ability to leap. I’m not kidding. His only natural mutant power is to leap great distances (his poison glands/razor tongue were gifts from a Dr. Strange experiment). Not only does he look like a creeper, but he more than likely will creep you out when he leaps over you in the checkout line on Black Friday.
PLASTIC MAN (DC)
Plastic man is a bit of a cult-favorite for his wise-cracking personality, but realistically the ability to turn yourself into any shape is a tad outlandish. I could never really see Plastic Man as a superhero because he’d always be stretching into what resembled a piece of Laffy-Taffy or changing into the shape of a chair (which always resembled the makings of his suit) to catch a villain. Having such a super power seems like a bore especially when you’re rubbing arms with Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all of whom could turn you into a plastic pretzel.
David Cannon is immune to dizziness. Realizing at an early age there’s no professional dizzy bat league, he turned to a life of crime where he’d routinely spin circles around the Avengers before he’d rotate all the way back to his jail cell. Despite the ability to create a mini-tornado around himself, I’ve always felt that Whirlwind is one the least-terrifying villains in the Marvel Universe.
It kills me a bit to put the Prince of Atlantis on this list, but in reality outside of the ocean Aquaman’s powers are useless. He’s literally a fish out of water flapping around trying to hang with the rest of the land-dwelling Justice League heroes.
CALENDAR MAN (DC)
Julian Day has no actual superpower, but just a really strange hobby. Day’s obsession with the calendar and unique dates doesn’t make him a menace, but a rude nuisance instead. He is constantly ruining the Holidays for superheroes (especially Batman). Instead, of celebrating a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas, you’d have to re-arrange your schedule because you better believe the Calendar Man has some pain-in-the-rear plot that is sure to put a spoil on your holiday cheer.
LUKE CAGE (MARVEL)
Luke Cage never really struck me as a superhero, but rather a super-powered Pootie-Tang. Cage has bulletproof skin, but after that the only unique characteristic Cage has is a razor-sharp belt he uses as a whip, just like Pootie-Tang.
Marrow has an extremely durable bone structure, but her bones grow at an excessively rapid and unpredictable rates making her face/body look deformed at times. Normally, superpowers are intended to aid you, but in Marrow’s case it is an extremely painful medical condition. Her superpower is having a case of arthritis on steroids, not exactly a thrilling tale there.
A Spider-Man villain, who happens to be an Albino with extremely thick, bulletproof skin, really?
CAPTAIN COLD (DC)
The Flash’s arch-nemesis, always struck me as a grumpy old man. With no superpowers, just a stolen ice-beam gun, Capt. Cold, terrorizes everyday citizens with his blue parka and icy-stare. I’ll never understand how The Flash didn’t just put him in a nursing home instead of jail. The poor guy looks more like a senile grandfather then a super-villain.
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