The Drunken Nerd: Valentine’s Day, Love Stinks

Well the glorious holiday, Valentine’s Day, is upon us once again. Many individuals like myself view Saint Valentine’s Day as a corporate holiday – a holiday that isn’t really about true love or romance, but rather the easiest way for consumers to buy senseless items at retail stores. However, for you hopeless romantics out there without the cynical eye, this is a holiday where you celebrate with your significant other and make some sweet passionate V-Day babies (especially you East Coast folks out there in the Snow-mageddon). Unfortunately, for most of us nerds we take the cynical route with Valentine’s Day because, let’s face it, not many of us nerds have a secret admirer dropping off those nasty candy hearts in our mailbox.

candy hearts


Luckily for all my fellow single nerds, out there I present to you all a list of things to do this Valentine’s Day. A list of nerdy thing to do to make up for our loneliness and share our unromantic misery with others; after all misery loves company, right?


courtesy of mikegetsreal.com
courtesy of mikegetsreal.com

First, let’s face facts – no matter who you are – Valentine’s Day is going to present you with a social media nightmare. Your newsfeeds are going to be polluted with lovey-dovey memes, silly statuses of, “OMG, he/she is the best!! 😀 ,” and worst of all selfies. So, my advice to combat this newsfeed pollution is take a nerd selfie of yourself; every hour on the hour. Maybe a selfie of you waking up in Superman pajama’s, maybe a selfie of yourself playing Xbox, or maybe just a selfie of you reading a new comic – whatever truly makes you happy. You can even get real creative and do a half-hour by half-hour selfie play-by-play of your nerdy Valentine’s Day. After all, it’s your holiday let everyone know how us nerds like celebrate.



After you have let everyone on your friends list know just how many video games and comics you have played I suggest renting

bowswer steals peacha Mario (or Luigi) costume. Now, don’t get ahead of yourself I’m by no means suggesting role-play here or furry fandoms.

Instead go outside with the costume and linger around fancy restaurants or romantic public scenery. Now, as you do this make sure you have a nice sign with you that reads the following, “Looking for my Peach. Last seen with a Bowser.” Of course, if you’re Luigi change Peach to Daisy, but you understand my point here – hopefully some kind spirits will help you find your missing loved one. This concept also works well with a Link costume and a missing Zelda sign.

pda meme

Now my next idea is not as intricate as the Mario Sting operation, but just as mischievously enjoyable. Even without the presence of Valentine’s Day I’d garner a guess that  the majority of us disapprove of PDA (Public Display of Affection). Unfortunately, today marks the height of Cupid’s target practice and that little stinker has some demigod like aim. Whenever you witness any lovebirds making out in public or re-enacting a scene from a Nicholas Sparks’ novel take whatever mobile gaming device you prefer. It can be your iPhone (angry birds is addictive), PS Vita, or your Nintendo DS; take this said device begin playing it and rudely insert yourself between the smooching demons until they realize how rude and impolite they are being. Of course, don’t stop playing your game after they leave – your job is done, but don’t ever leave a freshly started level of Angry Birds unbeaten.


Lastly, the best Valentine’s Day hazing is saved for last. It isn’t so much a hazing or prank, but more of a nerdy coup. Ironically, enough it combines the beautiful serendipitous nature that is a romantic part of the holiday. Hopefully, at some point today you are able to find yourself within range of an engagement proposal. Hopefully, you are lucky enough for fate to throw this magical scene in your direction; if so, please proceed with precious and calculated caution.



Allow the two admirers to establish the pinnacle of their courtship – as they are building up their romantic climax slowly use your best Solid Snake techniques to work your way through the crowd and harvest a front row seat to this rom-com. Granted, if there is no crowd just move in stealth towards a closer proximity to the action. Now, as the gentleman (or lady after all times are changing) gets down on one knee, get ready. As he/she opens up the box, bestowing the glimmering ring to the not-so unsuspecting fiancé hold your position until you hear the luminous, “Oh my God.” That’s your cue, Snake. As soon as you hear the Lord’s name in vain spring into action yelling, “My precious!” snag the ring (with the case if you can) and run to high noon out of trouble!



Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Embrace it, share it, and enjoy it!

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About the author

Neil Strebig

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