So we buy our ticket, get our popcorn, find the best seat, settle ourselves in, and wait patiently in the darkness… for an hour and a half of disappointment.
To me, video games turned into movies have about the same luck that movie stars have turning into singers, and vice versa. It is exceedingly rare that a video game spawns a successful movie… Mario Brothers, anyone? I love how an accomplished English actor and brilliant Cuban comedian play two Italian plumbers to foil the schemes of… King KoopaHopper.
Today, I would like to detail some of the failings I find in most video game movies. You may agree, in which case, welcome brother or sister! If not… write your own blog!
FAIL #1: Keep it simple, stupid. Many video games have incredibly detailed and realized plot lines running through them to keep the player fascinated while playing them. I loved the storyline of Final Fantasy VII and nearly cried when Aeris died. So I got all excited when the Final Fantasy movie comes out, and guess what? It has a completely different storyline! Beautifully rendered, but completely irrelevant! Not a single Chocobo in sight!
This seems to be a major failing in many video game movies; the director or writer or Key Grip’s coffee boy gets an “inspired new vision” of the game and wants to leave their own personal mark on it, thereby crapifying it up for the rest of us. Top examples: Street Fighter, Wing Commander, Alone in the Dark, Silent Hill (yes, both of them).
FAIL #2: Casting by no one with talent. Let’s get whatever big name is out there and stick him in a video game movie! Can they act? No! Do they look like the character? No! Can they sell popcorn? For the first week, sure! SOLD! Van Damme, you are no Guile. Double Dragons? Double takes on how bad their acting was. Tara Reid in Alone in the Dark? Yeah, like you’ve ever even picked up a book. Lesson to be learned, time and time again: big stars do not guarantee big box office.
FAIL #3. Uwe Boll. For the Love of all things 8-bit, if someone ever decides to let him direct a video game movie again, cause something heavy to fall on their head, preferably the 36 inch old school TV in my game room. This guy ruins movies faster than I can ruin an order of cheese fries, which is something. From House Of The Dead to In The Name Of The King, no one can stink up a franchise like the little German who couldn’t. It’s pretty bad when the METAL GEAR makers hid their existence under a cardboard box when Uwe came sniffing along. Get the hint Herr Boll: go film commercials, they will pay you better and last longer onscreen.
Well that’s it for now Ladies and Gent’s… let the barrages begin!